Happy New Year

I know this is a rather late post as I was taking some much needed personal time and family time for the holiday. The last year was full of challenges, but ultimately, we made it through, right?

Last year was for me, a healing year. I know that healing is not linear. But, I was able to do the deep work of identifying triggers, patterns and beliefs that no longer served the me that I am today. It’s funny, we often grow up with faulty patterns, stereotypes and core beliefs that may have served our parents or the environment we were in or even a survival mode we were trying to get through. But, we need to grow and be open to the environment around us. The behavior patterns of twenty years ago have probably reached their expiration date. 

My kids are at the stage where they ask a lot of questions. Last night, two of them in different settings asked me a version of “what was my favorite memory as a child”. I named one when I was 18. “No, mom - when you were younger like me”. 

One of my other sons asked me “what was my favorite Lego set or toy” when I was his age. Now, it may be my memory, but I couldn't think of any “fun” moments or even a fun toy (my parents had deemed Barbie dolls “bad” as they showed too much skin (eyeroll). What I could think of - being told to be quiet, not feeling accepted, not feeling good-enough, and as Glennon Doyle would say, being put in a cage. Usually those emotions throw me into a state, but yesterday I just sat with them and acknowledged them. That to me, is a big sign of growth. Sitting with your emotions and holding space for those sad thoughts with acceptance rather than going into a space of victimhood. It is also a lesson. I want to raise my children differently. I want them to feel seen, heard and know that their parents are present, not only physically but also mentally.  Be mindful. 

I had to go through those paths to learn about self-worth and acceptance.  I had thought those were “woo-woo” terms for a long time but I get it now. The me that was afraid to take risks, that procrastinated, that was afraid of boundaries - that was the old me. Yes, I may still fall into some of those patterns but now I have the tools to get myself out. 

Don’t be afraid to sit with your dark emotions. If you don’t, they will come out one way or another - whether it be through anger, guilt, sickness. Instead of masking them with food, alcohol, or sleep or any other behavior - be willing to sit with them, talk to someone about them and be really freaking disappointed at how things were but also hopeful that you have the ability to change your future.