Grandma

My grandmother died today.

I don’t really know where I am going with this post. Over the last twenty years, my grandmother has slowly declined in health. I always thought that is was partly her decision, to not “try” anymore, to stay in bed…..but I realize that that is not fair of me at all. None of us know what is going on in someone else’s mind or life.

The last event she flew to was my high school graduation. I wrote about her in my admission essay to pharmacy school as she was one of the persons I attribute my curiosity and love of medicine to (oh the woes of Coumadin).

I always felt a bond, but we never lived close to one another so I only saw her once a year. I never felt the deep sense of family instilled in me by that side of the family, I am trying to do better with my boys. But, though we were not close in distance, we did talk on the phone often and I always felt nothing but love and understanding.

I am grateful that I, at 40 years old, was able to have so many years with my grandmother.

Deaths in family also remind us of healing and in many ways, how far we’ve come. I am reminded of what I will do differently, what I will hold on to and be grateful for the struggles along the way.

I am reminded about how hard this health system is to understand. How many people do not get good care and how many of my family members and friends have had major labs misinterpreted or omitted (or the physician does not even know that he should be drawing a specific lab value, groan). I have seen a family member sit in their holding room and pass when they had an emergent “straight to the surgery” condition. I have seen how hard it is to navigate for the people who need a psychiatrist and mental health support. I have seen diagnostic markers missed on studies (thank god my husband is a radiologist and can offer a second opinion). Overall, it gives me compassion. Because, even though I know how a hospital works, how the admission process works, how authorizations work for certain pharmaceutical treatments, how medications should be given (hello TPA!), and how the billing process goes - I still am always surprised and frustrated when I am on the receiving end.

Deaths are messy. We mourn through our lenses. What “we” would have done. But, none of us are in anyone else’s shoes, just our own. We overanalyze our grief. Am I grieving too much? Is my reaction appropriate? Is it normal to not feel anything? Does that mean I did or did not care? That’s the thing, there are no rules to grief.

“You have loved with a whole heart, you have fallen shipwrecked on the shores of grief. And there is room for you to rest now. To just breathe and simply be”. MHN